


Relive

by micehell



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Drama, M/M, One of the guys is seriously OOC (though its based on something canon), Romance, Timeline What Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-10-10
Updated: 2004-10-10
Packaged: 2017-11-12 02:39:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/485758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/micehell/pseuds/micehell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Duo must overcome past and present to get what he wants - Heero</p>
            </blockquote>





	Relive

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: A device from this story is blatantly stolen from the movie _Strange Days_ , which will be obvious to you if you've seen the movie. 
> 
> jic the tag didn't give it away, one of the guys is going to be 'villain-ized', but there is a canon-based explanation for it... sorry for all that. ;)

The hand on his cock made him moan aloud into the mouth he was kissing. Heero seemed bent on massaging Duo’s tonsils with his tongue and Duo was just as intent on exploring every inch of Heero’s firm, sweaty body with his hands. He pulled Heero to him, further grinding their straining erections together, causing both of them to moan this time. Heero pulled away, panting for air, and murmured, "Duo, do you have the 5/8" spanner?"

"Wh- What?"

Heero’s exasperated sigh wiped out the lingering remnants of the daydream. "I said, do you have the 5/8" spanner?"

"No, I think it’s over by Heavyarms." There, he could speak without stuttering.

The view of Heero’s back as he walked away was his only answer.

As Heero went to find the missing spanner, Duo once again marveled at how such a stunning example of manhood could be coupled with such a complete lack of social skills. Not that that hindered Duo’s desire for the other pilot, but it did annoy him enough that he couldn’t resume his interrupted fantasy. A fantasy he’d fervently hoped would become reality, but that didn’t look to be too likely. Over all the time he’d known Heero, he’d tried just about every approach he could think of to get the other boy to look at him, to be friends with him, to be fucked by him. Hell, even to fuck him. That last one, considering his past, just went to show how much Heero had gotten under his skin, because he sure as hell wouldn’t let anyone else touch him like that.

But nothing Duo did got to Heero. Occasionally he’d do some of Heero’s chores to keep his sometimes partner from being overworked. Which Heero ignored. He’d talk to Heero, try to sound him out about his hopes, his dreams. Which usually ended with Heero yelling at him and calling him an idiot. He’d cajole Heero into playing some basketball to help him loosen up, relieve some of the stress. Which, actually, worked, except that Heero went back to ignoring him afterwards and it usually earned Duo a number of bruises.

And sex. He’d offered sex. Which Heero had turned down so flatly his ego had just about died on the spot. If blushing could kill you, all of him would have died that way. Seemed the only thing he did that Heero really appreciated was leaving.

He should just write it off, stop throwing himself against the wall that was Heero. Duo firmly believed that dwelling on what was wrong with life would guarantee there would never be anything right with it. Considering that he was a 16-year-old orphan fighting in a war that was likely to kill him at any time, he’d be down all the time if he thought too hard about things. Best just to move on. No problem. It wasn’t like he was in love or anything.

Right.

::::::::::

The primal beat of the music synched to the pulsating lights and drove the dancers into a writhing mass of movement and lust. Duo was bored out of his mind.

He’d come to the club as Phase I of the "I’m so over Heero" plan. If all his mission plans had turned out this bad, he’d never have lived long enough to get here. Still, it was good to get away from the safe house and the tense atmosphere there, even if he had been the one to cause it.

It had started with his announcement that he was going out for the night. Heero, typically, hadn’t seemed to understand that hanging out at a club wasn’t a sign to OZ that he was a Gundam pilot. By the time Heero gave up the fight, Duo was almost too tired to go out.

Wufei, typically, had made a scathing comment about his self-control and then left.

Quatre, typically, had nearly smothered him, hands fluttering around Duo’s tight club outfit while he tried to talk him out of going. Finally, tired of the struggle, Duo had admitted why he was going out: he needed to find someone to fuck so he could get over Heero. Well, he’d used slightly more delicate phrasing than that, but the idea was the same. Quatre had backed away then, though he kept eyeing Duo until he left.

Trowa, typically, had said nothing.

Considering all the furor he’d had to withstand to be here, he might as well have stayed home. There wasn’t anyone in the room he’d touch with a ten foot pole. Though if that one creep didn’t stop trying to grope his ass, he’d be more than happy to touch him with a fifty foot mobile suit. Sadly, Mr. Wandering Hands had been the hottest prospect he’d seen. Dark brown hair. Sleekly muscled. Dark blue eyes. No concept of personal space. Even Heero had better social skills than that. Heero…. Damn, he couldn’t even stop thinking about him for a night. Couldn’t stop being attracted to him either, considering his ‘hot’ prospect kind of looked like him. If only the guy hadn’t been such a jerk, maybe he could have slept with him and gotten the whole thing out of his system. He shuddered at the thought of those invasive hands on him.

No, he’d had enough of this for the evening. He’d go to a different club tomorrow. He’d meet someone there, for sure. Talk him up, have a little mutual fun and be over Heero like being cured of a bad disease. He refused to think about how depressing the whole idea was.

::::::::::

Different night. Different club. Same losers. Tomorrow, he thought.

::::::::::

"Duo?"

"Yeah?" Mind on the system he was repairing, he didn’t even look up at Quatre as they spoke.

"Can we talk for a minute?"

Damn, a heart to heart with Quatre. Seeing no way to avoid it, he turned to his friend. "I guess." Ooh, that didn’t sound all sullen, did it?

"You’ve been going out to a lot of clubs…." His face was a bright red.

"Yeah." Duo held the ‘no duh’ in check.

"Are you…." Too flustered, he ground to a stop.

"Am I what?" Duo had no sympathy, considering the embarrassment as just payment for starting this almost conversation.

Quatre put on his determined face. "Are you… at those clubs… are you letting… um, are you sleeping with someone every night?"

Mild annoyance gave way to strong irritation. It was like Quatre had hit some button Duo didn’t even know he had. "What if I am? I may wear a priest’s outfit sometimes, but I never took any vows."

"No, no, I didn’t mean…." Flustered again. "It’s just that all those men, um, they’re strangers."

"The whole point of this, if you’ll recall, is the guy who isn’t a stranger doesn’t want me." Kind of snarly. Well, Duo hated to get into it with Quatre, but this whole conversation was amping up his disappointment over his track record at the clubs.

"I know, but there are those who aren’t strangers who would be willing to, um, help you out." If he didn’t stop blushing like that, it was going to become his permanent color.

Duo finally bought the clue and was sorry that he had. Thinking about Quatre and sex was kind of disturbing, even though he knew that Trowa was sleeping with him. Still, what Trowa would do and what he would do, well, Duo certainly had no desire to put his head in the lion’s mouth. Though if Quatre was looking for love in other places, maybe there were things that Trowa and he both wouldn’t do. "Well, I appreciate the offer, Qat, but I wouldn’t want to put you in that position." Oops, bad choice of words. "So to speak."

Quatre laughed, loosing some of the blush. "I’m not just offering out of friendship, Duo. I’ve always found you attractive. When we stayed together after Heero self-destructed, I thought about you sometimes."

Boy Scouts weren’t that earnest. Though Boy Scouts usually didn’t go around offering sex. Not that Duo knew of, anyway, though he’d ever been one to know for sure. "Oh. I’ve still got to go with no here, Quatre. It’s not that you’re not nice looking or anything, but I just don’t see you in that way. And anyway, what about Trowa?" Great, now he was blushing. It must be contagious.

"Oh, Trowa. He has, um, some issues that, well, that make some kinds of intimacy difficult for him. So you don’t have to worry about him. And I know I could make it good for you. I can’t believe any guy you meet in the clubs is going to take time with you and this way you’d at least be with someone you could trust." He reached out a hand to Duo, caressing his shoulder lightly.

Ok, now he was officially weirded out. Not that he couldn’t easily believe that Trowa had issues, but that Quatre was being so persistent about this was a little odd. Trying to move away without looking like he was doing so, Duo said, "I really appreciate the offer, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. Really. For sure." There, that should be definite enough.

Quatre looked annoyed for a second, but then he smiled. "If you change your mind, just let me know."

::::::::::

Different night. Different club. Same losers. Tomorrow, he thought.

::::::::::

"Maxwell."

"Chang. Goody, now we’ve been properly introduced." Not the least bit sarcastic.

"I wish to speak to you."

"I think you already are." Ok, it was sarcastic, but that was a virtue in Duo’s book.

Strangely, Wufei just nodded. "About the clubs you’ve been going to…."

"I’m not giving our position away to OZ, ‘Fei, just let it drop."

"No, that’s not what I meant. It’s just that Quatre seems to be under the impression that you’re having… assignations… at these clubs." Geez, now Wufei was blushing. It must be something in the water.

"So?"

"Is he correct?" If any more blood rushed to Wufei’s head, his nose would start bleeding.

"What’s it to you if I am? Come to comment on my self-control again?"

"No, I just do not think it’s a healthy behavior for you to engage in. It could be dangerous for you in many ways."

"Again, what’s it to you?" Duo really was holding on hard to his temper, but sometimes the damn thing was turbo charged.

"I think that if you were hurt, in any manner, that it would compromise our efficiency." Strangely enough, he was blushing again.

"Our efficiency, huh?"

Looking anywhere but at Duo, Wufei then said, "And I would find it… upsetting if you were hurt. To avoid this disruption, I would be willing to make myself available to you."

Damn, he must be absolutely magnetic for everyone to keep offering to ‘help’ him out like this. Or really pathetic. One of those things, anyway. "That’s… really nice of you, ‘Fei, but I wouldn’t want you to put yourself out like that."

"It would not be an imposition."

Not an imposition. He was really laying on the romance hot and heavy here. "That’s… really nice of you, ‘Fei, but… oh, already said that. Look, I appreciate the offer, but I don’t think of you in that way. Really. For sure." Stick with the tried and true.

Wufei looked annoyed, but then his face cleared. "Well, if you change your mind, you can come and find me."

Duo thought he was going to have to go looking for the pods soon, because these surely weren’t the Quatre and Wufei he knew, were they?

::::::::::

Different night. Different club. Same losers. Tomorrow, he thought.

::::::::::

Duo was almost expecting Trowa to show up and offer to have sex with him. Which he did. Well, Trowa showed up anyway.

"Leave Quatre alone." Curt, abrupt and very much a growl. He needed to spend less time with those damn lions.

Ok, not what he’d thought Trowa was going to say and kind of scary, too, laced with real menace. "If you’re talking about his offering to… help me out, he started that, not me."

He’d like to say Trowa looked annoyed, but, really, he looked like he always did. "Just say no." And then he left. So much for not having to worry about Trowa.

::::::::::

Different night. Different club. Same losers. Tomorrow, he thought.

::::::::::

He didn’t so much expect as hope that Heero was going to show up and offer to have sex with him. Though with his luck, he’d probably show up and warn him off of Quatre, too. When Heero did show up, looking hesitant, Duo’s heart rate shot sky high.

"Duo, can I speak with you?"

"Su- Sure thing." Damn, his mouth was so dry his tongue was sticking.

"I had a favor I’d like to ask of you." He almost looked shy.

Oh, come to papa, this was it! "Whatever you need, Heero, you just ask and I’ll give it to you." Over and over again, if he had his way.

"Well, I need…." Looking at his feet as if they were fascinating.

"We all have needs, nothing to be ashamed of there."

Heero looked at him strangely. "Why would I be ashamed of needing parts for my Gundam?"

"Parts?" Surely he’d misheard that.

"Yes, there are some upgrades I’d like to do and I was hoping you could use your connection to the Sweepers to get the parts for me. I hate to ask for favors, but I think the upgrades could really help my missions."

"Parts?" Really, he had to have misheard that.

"Duo, are you Ok?" Heero looked confused now.

"Sure. Parts. No problem. Mi Sweeper es tu Sweeper. I live to serve." But not to service, obviously.

"Thanks. I’ll get you a list."

"Are you sure there isn’t anything else you’d like. You know, like, maybe a little bit of dinner, a little bit of company." A little bit of screwing.

Heero looked annoyed. "No, the parts will be sufficient."

Well, shit.

::::::::::

Different night. Different club. Same losers. Tomorrow, he thought, I’ll stay home. This isn’t working.

::::::::::

After a week of the bright lights and loud music of the clubs, spending time in the empty house was almost jarring. But Heero and Quatre were out scouting for new safe houses, Wufei was doing a patrol of some of their caches and Trowa was out doing something that he had never really explained. Duo tried not to be irritated that no one had given Trowa grief about going out alone like they had him, but it wasn’t fully effective. Still, it was nice to be alone for a while.

Except that he was kind of bored. He could have done some repair work, but nothing needed fixing. He could have read or watched TV, but he was too restless for either. He could have jumped Heero’s bones, but Heero wasn’t here and would have beaten him to death for trying if he was.

Damn, he really needed to get over this. The clubs hadn’t helped at all. They had just highlighted how much he wanted Heero, not some nameless guy looking for a little action. Maybe it was more than lust.

All this introspection wasn’t helping anything; he needed to be doing something. He could despair over his lack of good sense later. Right, time for a perimeter check.

Which turned out to be a good thing, because something was definitely off here. Some small sign, passing below his conscious awareness, was making his internal alarms go off. There were no signs of forced entry, nothing obviously out of place, but instinct said there was someone here. Of course, the security system said there wasn’t, and it was a damn good security system. But then his instincts were damn good, too.

He needed to get out of here, regroup and figure out what to do. He could keep an eye out for the guys from someplace safe on the grounds. No point in risking a confrontation with an unknown. He was almost out the door when he saw movement on his left. He turned to face it, reaching for one of his knives. Damn, he should have had his gun with him, but he’d felt safe here. It was supposed to be a safe house, after all.

He never had a chance to use the knife before he was hit in the chest with a small, gelatinous sphere. He had just enough time to register that it was a gas jelly before it dissolved, releasing its soporific cargo. He was unconscious before he could think of anything else.

::::::::::

If he’d had time to consider it, Duo would have expected to wake up to an OZ cell somewhere. As it was, he was too groggy to register surprise when he woke up in the safe house. In his own room. Face down on the bed, hands cuffed to the headboard. Naked. That last part finally broke through the haze. This couldn’t mean what he thought it meant. He kept telling himself that until he realized his legs were spread by a bar fastened between his knees. This wasn’t going to be an interrogation, or at least not a normal one.

Not again. Never again. At least that’s what he had sworn the last time. He couldn’t go through this again, he just couldn’t. But, then, it didn’t appear as if the man he heard entering the room just now was going to give him a choice.

Duo twisted his head, trying to get a good look at the bastard who’d put him into this situation. At first, he thought the man was deformed, but then he realized he was wearing a mask. A mask and a Relive recorder. The sick knot of fear in Duo’s stomach twisted as fury was added to the mix. Bad enough that he was going to be raped without having to know that it was going to be taped.

How had this asshole gotten a Relive device in the first place? J had supposedly mothballed the project. The thought that this man, who just happened to come to this house on a night when Duo just happened to be alone, this man who just happened to be able to slip through the ultra-tight security system without setting it off and just happened to have a gas jelly, restraints, a spreader bar and the Relive recorder… Duo couldn’t help but wonder if this man was truly a stranger. He couldn’t get a close enough look at the build to be sure.

"What the fuck do you think you’re doing?" Damn, his voice had broken on that. He didn’t want to give the asshole, whoever he was, the pleasure of hearing his fear. His only reply was a hand trailing up his leg. Memory and revulsion made his skin crawl and he started pulling against the restraints, all considerations of his attacker’s identity lost in his need to escape.

The hand moved up, snaking into his braid, jerking his head back hard. Duo started cursing, invective his only weapon, feeble as it was. His braid was pulled so hard he couldn’t stop the cry he made. When he subsided, the braid was released.

The hand went back to the hated exploration of his body, skirting his ass but centering around it. Rationality kicked back in and Duo used his struggles to test his range of motion and the strength of his bonds. As his braid moved along his back, he could feel the stiffened section of it where he had a lockpick secreted. He figured he could kick back with some force, even with his knees held as they were, but just a kick in the leg wasn’t going to stop anything. He needed a vulnerable target. Like naked balls. Unfortunately, some of those were likely to be present soon.

He’d wait for his opportunity and kick out, with luck nailing the guy right where it would hurt the most. While the creep was incapacitated, he could work on flicking his braid around until it was in reach of his hands. Then he’d get the pick, get out of the cuffs and castrate the fucker while he was still down. He figured he’d only need about 30 seconds to get free. If he could get a solid enough strike in, that wouldn’t be a problem. He didn’t let himself think about the odds of getting said solid kick in.

His mission mode thoughts scattered as the hand reached its destination, trailing down the cleft in his ass. He tried to squirm away, but a hand on his back held him down while the hand on his ass moved to the hole there, circling it before a finger was roughly pushed in.

He’d managed to forget how much that hurt and it was only going to get worse. As if to belie that thought, the hands moved away. Duo strained to see what was going on, but couldn’t get a good look. Then he heard the rustling of cloth and knew his time was running out.

"If you behave, you won’t be hurt." So the bastard was going to talk. He felt one fear die when he didn’t recognize the softly sing-song voice. Not one of the other pilots, then. His relief was mild considering all his other fears were still going strong.

The hand was back on his ass, fingers pushing into him. He wanted to struggle, to pull away, but timing was going to be everything here, as his mobility was so limited. He had to wait ‘til just the right moment. Against his nature, he lay quietly, patiently.

Sensing a victory, the man started to climb on the bed, ignoring the feet below him, intent on a part of Duo that was further up.

Now. A quick jerk upward of his legs, angling them so one hard foot connected with soft flesh. A strangled scream let him know he’d done damage. Hopefully he’d crippled the bastard.

He tossed his head, trying to get his braid around to his bound hands. Even with a direct hit to the balls, he couldn’t expect that he had more than 30 seconds to get free. He lost about half of that before he was able to grasp the braid in his bound hands and another couple of seconds getting the pick out of the braid.

He only needed about 10 more seconds to pick the lock to the cuffs, just 10 seconds. If the kick had landed on target, he had time.

He was almost free when the blow landed on his back, the force of it making him drop the pick.

He was dazed for a while, not really feeling the beating he took, but when he felt the initial penetration everything snapped back in focus, leaving him no protection at all. The pain from his wrists as he pulled against the cuffs, the pain from the beating he had taken, even the pain in his ass as it was torn, were subsumed beneath the pain he felt because he was helpless to stop this from happening.

The logic and good sense that Duo always possessed, but didn’t always outwardly display, were trying to reason with the panic that had Duo violently, fruitlessly, struggling against the bonds and the cock that had him pinned to the bed. ‘Better to relax and minimize the damage, better to survive’, they reasoned. But reason was a whisper drowned beneath his screams as the pain went from hideous to unbearable and the rape went on and on. By the time it was over, both the voice of reason and his own voice were gone.

::::::::::

The bastard had finally left. Not that Duo could feel the relief past the miasma of shame, hurt and anger, but it was over. Hopefully.

The fear that it might not be drove him to some serious contortions to retrieve his fallen pick. Once he was free, he delayed only long enough to dress and get his gun before he verified that he was alone.

Which he was, but he still didn’t feel safe.

He reset all of the security systems, wiping out any potential overrides that could have been used, even though it meant the other pilots would set it off when they came back. Especially so the others would set it off, but he didn’t want to think about that now.

He still didn’t feel safe.

He set booby traps around all points of access and throughout the hallways. Even if someone got in, they wouldn’t get far.

Still didn’t feel safe.

He moved all of his stuff to one of the empty rooms, not wanting to stay in the other room any more. Then he took a long, hot shower and cleaned his wounds, bathroom door locked and shower curtain open.

Definitely didn’t feel safe. Maybe he never would.

::::::::::

Pain was the dawn chorus that woke him up. Everything hurt. He wanted nothing more than to sink back into oblivion and stay there, but he’d had the habit of survival for too long to give it up now.

Though he felt exhausted, he still got up and looked around again. Nothing had changed. He took another shower, though the hot water hadn’t fully recovered from the marathon one he’d taken last night. Or maybe this one had been a little long, also.

He looked after his injuries, glad to see nothing looked infected. He’d have to go easy on solid food for a while, though the tearing hadn’t been as bad as he’d feared.

He was deliberately not thinking. He didn’t want to consider what had happened and what it meant. But, then, if wishes were dead OZ soldiers, the war would be over. He knew he had to get past the… event, figure it all out. It would be bad, but it would be stupid to ignore it. He’d been many things in his short life; sometimes hero, sometimes villain, sometimes fool. But never stupid.

As bad as it was, Duo knew he would survive this. He’d done so before, after all. He’d been a child then, drowning in the guilt and grief that was the aftermath of the destruction of the Maxwell Church and all those who’d lived there. When the soldiers had caught him as he was leaving the ruins of his old life, he’d felt it was a just fate. It was his failure that had led to the others’ deaths, so he would pay with his own blood and pain.

But it hadn’t stopped with a beating and the price was far more than Duo had imagined. If he’d had any innocence left at that point, it was washed away in the violence that followed. He’d survived, though, and escaped, almost broken beyond repair. But then the anger he felt from living through two of the worst moments of his life, one right after the other, gelled in him and wouldn’t dissipate. It was what had led him to be a Gundam pilot, to fight, to kill. And while he usually tried to avoid killing if he could, he’d gladly make an exception if he got the bastard from last night in his sites. Or the one who’d helped set it up.

That was the part that he’d been trying to avoid. The man had been too prepared. To know how to get in without setting off the alarms, to have all the ‘necessary’ items to play out his game, to know there would be someone here to play it on. To have a Relive device.

Too many coincidences. It spelled inside job.

The Relive device was especially telling. No one outside of Operation Meteor would have had access to it. Or the chances of someone outside of the project having access to it and then just happening upon their safe house were too small to even consider. No, it had to be one of them.

Fuck it all.

G had been the one to tell him about Relive. Most of the time he was all business with Duo, but sometimes he’d get in a strange mood and need to talk. Well, to gossip really, but it worked out the same for Duo. Relive had G at his cattiest, but then he’d always been somewhat jealous of J.

J had been trying to develop the perfect training device and he’d thought he’d done it. Relive could record a moment in a person’s life completely; what they saw, what they heard, and what they felt, emotionally and physically. Just put on the recording cap and it was like snapping a 3-D Polaroid, complete with Sensaround, of anything you wanted. Then all someone else would have to do is wear the playback cap and it was as if they’d lived that moment themselves.

In theory, someone could record the defusing of a bomb and the person watching the playback would then be able to experience exactly what it was like to do it. On the job training without the risk of a messy explosion. In reality, it had been misused pretty much from the beginning. G said some of the techs would use it to record their more intimate moments and then use the playback to relive their glory, as it were. J scrapped the project when he found out that repeated use had an adverse effect on the person’s sanity; starting with mildly aberrant behavior and leading to a psychotic break.

Well, that was the reason J said he scrapped the project. G said it was because he had caught one of his people trying to sell the Relive device on the black market, touting its use as the perfect sexual aid.

Scrapped project or not, someone had one, and was using it for their own sick pleasure. It was bad enough to have to live with being raped again without having to think about someone watching it over and over. Reliving it. Of course, the person watching it would go insane after awhile, or, really, more insane, but that was scant comfort

The fact that the people he actually lived with were the only ones who had access to the Relive device and had the knowledge, both of their security system and their schedules, necessary to have set the whole thing up was the anti-cherry on the top.

Well, he couldn’t make the facts fit any other way. One of the other pilots had betrayed him. Telling himself that they wouldn’t do such a thing didn’t change that it had happened. And crying about it wouldn’t help. He wiped away the tears he hadn’t meant to cry, telling himself they were from lack of sleep and nothing else.

He’d figure out who was behind the attack and take care of the problem himself. No need for the others to know anything about what had happened. Well, except for the one who already knew. Damn, that was loopy thinking, he needed to concentrate, think. There were only five of them living here and Duo was damn sure he hadn’t set himself up. Twenty percent eliminated already. Just four left. Surely he could narrow it down from so small a list.

As small a list as the number of people he cared about here on Earth.

Or more than cared about. Heero. Heero was J’s student, he had to have known about and had access to the Relive equipment. And he could certainly be harsh. But would he feel the need to take, even second hand, what he’d been freely offered? Of course, some people got off on the use of force, but… was Heero that way?

No. Definitely not. No way. No how.

Maybe.

::::::::::

The security alarm going off let Duo know someone had returned. A look at the monitor told him it was Heero. Alone. Well, Duo had wanted to talk to Heero alone, but he still wished that Quatre had come back with him.

His determination to face Heero faltered when he was actually facing him. Too close, he needed distance.

Before he could move, Heero started talking. "Quatre’s still scouting. We separated to make better use of our time." Heero had his usual bored look on, not a menacing leer in sight.

Duo laughed at himself. As if someone with nerves of gundanium was going to give himself away. If there was anything to give away.

Duo started when Heero’s hand came up to touch his face. Ok, maybe he was going to give himself away. Duo tensed, ready to fight.

But no attack followed the touch. Instead Heero looked him over intently. "Duo, what happened?"

"What do you mean?" Oh, this interrogation was going great. The interrogatee was asking the questions.

"You had the security settings changed. You flinched when I touched you." Heero’s lips quirked. "HHhHAnd then the bruises were kind of a clue, too."

Oh, yeah, Heero could be observant. Duo had forgotten in the wake of being ignored by him so often.

Heero grew impatient for the answer. He grabbed at Duo’s hand. "What happened?"

What happened were several things simultaneously. Duo’s instincts kicked in before thought and his gun was in his free hand even as he was trying to retrieve the other from Heero. Heero grunted when he saw the bandaged wrist, holding on to the hand to examine it even as Duo pulled. He glanced at the gun, but went back to his inspection of the wrist.

Which pissed Duo off. Did Heero think he wouldn’t shoot? Hell, he felt like doing it now, just to show him.

But the feeling passed at a look from Heero that he’d never seen before. It wasn’t concern, though that was part of it. It wasn’t anger, though that seemed to be in there, too. If pressed to identify it, well, Duo couldn’t have.

"Duo, please."

He’d had no intention of telling Heero about what had happened, beyond feeling him out to see if he was involved. He hadn’t been going to tell any of them. But the please from Heero slipped past his guard. "I was attacked."

Heero just looked at him. What was he expecting?

"I was raped."

Probably wasn’t expecting that, at any rate. He let go of Duo’s hand, though he didn’t move away. Was Heero disgusted now? Didn’t want to touch something so dirty? But no reply was forthcoming.

The lack of response magnified, filling the room with its void. Duo sent a quick prayer to whatever saint was in charge of ending awkward silences.

Then Heero moved closer, very slowly, reaching to pull Duo into a stiff embrace. Ok, not what Duo had expected, either, but sort of nice in a strange way.

"I love you, Duo." Barely whispered.

He had heard that wrong, he just knew it. "Excuse me?"

"I love you." Louder, but still gruff, as if it was a hard to say.

Duo was speechless. When he’d sent up his prayer, he should have been more specific. At this rate, he’d have to light candles to the guy. Maybe a donation. Or he could give Heero an answer.

"You don’t have to answer, Duo." Heero pulled back, giving what was probably supposed to be a reassuring look, but he obviously hadn’t had a lot of experience with it and he came out looking scared instead.

Or maybe he was scared. Heero had just told someone that he loved him and hadn’t got anything in return. Heero, who’d probably never even used the word love before, not even about his favorite food, if he even had one.

Duo shook his head, trying to clear it of distracting thoughts. Heero said he loved him, something Duo’d longed to hear, but… but he’d been attacked with the help of one of the others. He needed to focus on that, find the answers he needed.

"I love you, too." Or not.

Heero smiled. Not the manic smile he had when fighting. Not the little half grin he sometimes used. A full out smile. It was beautiful.

But not as beautiful as the kiss.

::::::::::

Sitting close on the couch, they’d talked for hours. Ok, Duo had talked for hours. He’d skirted around the previous night’s events, but he’d laid out the basic facts. Heero had insisted on making sure he was all right, which was both embarrassing and scary, but Duo survived that, too. They’d also talked about what they felt and why Heero hadn’t ever responded to Duo’s overtures before.

"I was scared." Heero looked embarrassed, though whether that was about admitting to being scared or just because he was talking about feelings was unclear.

"Why? Am I an ogre?"

"No! It’s just that you’re so self-assured. I was afraid that when you got tired of how awkward I am at relationships, it wouldn’t be worth it to you anymore. Not when you could go to a club and have anyone you wanted."

Duo had never seen Heero blush before. It was kind of pretty, actually. He laughed at that last statement. "Is that what you thought was happening? I went to a bunch of different clubs, but I certainly wasn’t the belle of the ball."

Heero gave him a skeptical look. "You’re telling me you didn’t get lucky in all that time?"

"Not once. The others were wasting their time when they tried to save me from sleeping around. You can be happy that you didn’t try it." Duo laughed again, amazed that he could feel so light-hearted in the wake of recent events. Love was a many-splendored thing.

A small huff followed that pronouncement; part amusement, part self-deprecation. "I was going to. I just chickened out at the last moment. Told you I wanted help getting parts."

"You were going to ask me to sleep with you then?" Duo was suddenly hit with the fervent wish that Heero had asked him, because then he might have enjoyed himself before… no, he wasn’t going to lose Heero over fear. He’d get past this. He would. And then he was going to fuck Heero to both their heart’s content.

Unaware of Duo’s thoughts, Heero continued his confession. "I had the whole thing planned out. How I was going to ask you, what I would do depending on your response. I also had a Plan B worked out in case my nerve failed, which was just as well."

"You planned out asking me to fuck like it was a mission?"

Heero grinned at the coarse language. "An important mission, and the only one I’ve ever backed out of."

"We’ll have to arrange for you to try again. Just not anytime soon." Hell, now Duo was embarrassed.

"I swear, Duo, I won’t push. If all I’d wanted was sex, I’d have taken you up on it before. I was prepared to wait to tell you I loved you until I felt I had something to offer in a relationship. But when you told me… I just couldn’t bear to see you looking so hurt and it all came rushing out. You always affect my control."

Duo gave Heero a thoughtful look. "Hmm, a power I didn’t even know I had. Now how can I misuse it?"

"Anyway you want." A fleeting touch, another smile, and then Mission-mode Heero was firmly in place. "But not now. We should talk about what you’re going to do."

"I’m going to find out who set me up. I’m going to make them tell me who attacked me and why. And then I’m going to make them both wish I had never been born." Duo had his own kind of mission mode.

It was Heero’s turn to look thoughtful. "How can you be sure it wasn’t me? I knew all about the Relive device and could easily have talked J into giving me one."

"I wasn’t positive, not at first. I didn’t want to believe it, but there was just enough doubt to make me wonder. But if you had done that to me, you would never have told me you loved me. I don’t think you’re a good enough actor to hide the kind of psychosis it would take to be that cruel. And that kiss was all about good things, not about power plays." Duo wanted to make sure Heero knew that he trusted him. He didn’t want doubts to come between them.

"Repeated use of Relive can drive a person insane. Maybe my admission of love is an aberration caused by my deteriorating sanity." Heero wanted to make sure that Duo trusted him. He didn’t want doubts to come between them.

"I know you’re aberrant, I just think you were that way long before J invented his evil little gadget." No doubts.

"Mutual." No doubts.

Duo stood up, stretching tense muscles. "Well, I’ve had just about as much analysis as I can stand for a day."

"Prolonged thought has never been one of your strong points." Heero smiled to make sure Duo knew he was joking.

Duo was pretty sure that a joking Heero was one of the signs of a coming apocalypse, but what the hell, the old world hadn’t been that great a thing anyway. "We really need to work on your sense of humor."

Heero stood and took Duo in his arms. "Well, I can’t be a jerk all the time, I guess."

"I don’t know. You’ve done a great job so far." Duo didn’t stop at a grin to let Heero know he was kidding. The kiss was as electrifying as the first. Sometimes actions were better than words.

The sound of the security system going off let them know someone else had returned. Magic time was over, the real world had returned. Looking at the monitors, they saw it was both Trowa and Wufei returning.

"Look for atypical behavior. You take Trowa, I’ll take Wufei." No kidding, no tenderness, Heero was the perfect soldier again.

But then Duo was no slouch at it himself. "We’ll compare notes later."

::::::::::

Trowa had withdrawn to his room. When Quatre wasn’t around, Trowa spent a fair amount of time there. Even considering what life would have been like for a child raised among mercenaries, Trowa seemed very withdrawn and repressed. He’d put up a barrier, that silent mask, to hold off the world. Duo was very familiar with masks, having more than a few of his own. His personal demons could probably kick Trowa’s personal demons’ asses.

Well, he wasn’t getting any closer to answers standing outside the room. Time to brave the lion’s den. A quick knock got him entrance.

"So, Trowa, how are you?" Oh, that was smooth.

"Fine." Geez, did Trowa and Heero think they were getting charged by the syllable or something? Conversation was definitely not a skill that the mercenaries had taught their protégé.

Trowa arched an eyebrow at him. At Duo’s confused expression, he said, "What happened to you?"

Wow, four whole words. "Oh, that. I got in a little fight, nothing serious. What did you get up to last night?" From smooth to subtle. He needed to rethink his interrogation strategies.

"Nothing serious." He smirked, not in the least hiding that he knew Duo was up to something.

Duo rethought his strategy. Did he really think he was going to be able to obliquely question a Gundam pilot about his actions? And, even if he could finagle some kind of information out of Trowa, was he likely to give away that he’d set Duo up? That would be a big no. He’d have to think of something else.

"How’s your and Quatre’s sex life going?" So far away from smooth and subtle that it was in another time zone all together.

He didn’t even get one syllable this time, though the glare was very expressive of Trowa’s feelings, which all seemed to revolve around causing great pain if Duo didn’t back off. A wise man would heed that glare.

Screw wise. "’Cause, you know, if things aren’t going so hot, I have some suggestions. There was this weird little device that J invented that could record a person’s perceptions; emotional, physical, the works. And then you could play it back on the viewer and it would be just like you were living it again. I bet that could really liven up a flagging libido."

No response, beyond the ever-present glare. And he was growling again. Really, far too much time with the big kitties.

"Or ya’ll might experiment a little. You know, one of you could wear J’s device and go out and have a real good time and then the other one could share in it. That could really solve any performance problems you might have."

Trowa was getting up and coming towards him. Duo kept one of his hands on the gun he had hidden on him. He just managed not to use it when Trowa grabbed him by the shirt, but it was a close thing.

"I don’t know what game you’re playing, Duo, but I don’t care either. I don’t need any help in my relationship with Quatre. I especially don’t need your help. And if you don’t leave Quatre alone, I’m going to stop talking and start acting. You don’t want to go there." Well that was way more than four words and very to the point.

This was a side of Trowa that Duo wasn’t used to seeing. He knew that the other boy was very good at fighting, but he’d never felt any real threat from him. Now he could see that he would truly be a dangerous enemy. Was this atypical behavior? Wasn’t this a divergence from the quiet, calm Trowa?

Duo thought about it. It was different, but then Trowa felt that Duo was threatening something important to him. Wouldn’t Duo do almost anything to protect his relationship with Heero? And that was a new thing, only a couple of hours out in the open. What would he be willing to do when they’d been together the almost year that Trowa and Quatre had?

Damn, he just couldn’t tell, not from what he had. He’d have to back off and see what he could find out later. Maybe Heero would have better results.

Time to get out of this mess. Duo thought fast. If he stated the truth in the right way, it would be just what Trowa wanted to hear. "You’re right, Trowa. I’m stepping on your toes and there’s no need for it. I’ll leave Quatre all to you. You obviously want him more than I do. I’ll just go now."

Another growl. Oops, maybe he should have listened to the voice of reason.

"Really, the best man won and all that. You can let go now."

Nothing.

"Just open your hand."

Still nothing.

"Ok, just slacken your grip a little."

Even more nothing, though the glare looked a little lighter.

"Trowa!"

It was like watching someone wake up. The sanity seemed to return to Trowa’s eyes and he let go of Duo abruptly. "I’m sorry, Duo. I shouldn’t have reacted like that. Sometimes… Quatre…." For one moment Duo could see the pain in the other boy. Then Trowa shook his head and the mask was firmly back in place. "Sorry."

Under normal circumstances, Duo would have stayed and tried to get Trowa to talk, offer him some reassurance. But not now. He believed Trowa was sincere. He believed in the pain that had seemed to slip past Trowa’s control. But not completely, and he was in too much pain himself to offer hope to someone he wasn’t sure of. It wasn’t just his body that had been fucked over, it was his whole life. So he just nodded to the other boy and left.

::::::::::

He found Heero sitting on his bed, head down and staring at his hands. "Has Quatre made it back yet?"

Heero looked up as Duo sat down next to him. "No, I’m beginning to wonder what he’s got up to."

"Have you heard from him?" At the shake of Heero’s head, Duo’s worry increased. "Maybe he ran into an OZ patrol. We should go after him."

"One, we don’t know he’s in trouble, he’s only a couple of hours late. Two, even if we thought he was in trouble, we have no idea where he is. Three, it was his idea to separate last night, and he was very insistent about it, so I think he had definite plans and just didn’t want to tell me what they were. Maybe he’s meeting someone."

"God, I hope not. Trowa’s already up against the ropes, that would knock him right out of the ring. Speaking of Trowa, I hope you had better luck with Wufei than I did with him." Duo was not happy with his lack of success, but it had been foolish to think he’d have everything all figured out in ten minutes flat.

"Not really. What did you get from Trowa?" Heero wasn’t giving anything away with his expression.

"Mainly, a warning to stay away from his boyfriend. He wouldn’t tell me what he was doing last night. And by the way, do you and him have some secret vow to talk in as few words as possible? I get more conversation from a brick wall. More entertaining, too."

Heero reached out and slowly pulled Duo into a deep, wet kiss. "Do walls do that?"

Duo smirked. "Not on the first date, anyway." He sighed, serious again. "It’s not as if I could con him into to telling me what he was doing if he didn’t want to let me know. And even if he had told me what he’d been up to, and I verified the information, it still wouldn’t prove that he hadn’t set me up. It was pointless to try to find out his whereabouts. I did get a big reaction from talking about the Relive device. However, it was probably because he thought I wanted to use it on Quatre. There’s a lot of jealousy going on there, which Quatre isn’t helping by making passes, however well intentioned, at me."

Heero looked puzzled. "Why well intentioned?"

Duo rolled his eyes. "Because he was only doing it to keep me from sleeping around and maybe getting hurt."

"Is that what he told you?" Skeptical.

"No, but it’s obvious that that’s what he meant. Why else would he offer?"

"Duo, have you ever looked in a mirror?" Heero smiled at Duo’s blush. "You’re quite beautiful. You need to get used to people wanting you."

He tried to suppress it, but Duo shivered nonetheless. Last night wasn’t about someone wanting him. He knew that, but it still spooked him to think about anyone but Heero looking at him like that. Hell, if he was honest, it kind of spooked him about Heero looking at him like that. He was taking comfort in the occasional kiss, maybe a small hug here or there, but he didn’t want to consider anything further.

Heero, reacting to the tension, moved away, though he took Duo’s hand in his. "Wufei said that the caches were all still secure. He seemed his usual self. I couldn’t see any hint in him that he was feeling guilty. Or excited."

Duo clutched the hand he held tighter. "Did you sound him out about Relive?"

"Yes, though it was hard to get the conversation to go that way without tipping my hand. He didn’t seem to know what I was talking about. By the way, he shouldn’t ask about the bruises as I told him you and I got carried away sparring."

An indignant look followed. "How does that explain why I have bruises and you don’t?"

Heero just looked at him, eyebrows raised. Duo smacked his arm. "Smug bastard. Just you wait, you’ll get yours."

Heero smirked a moment before he got serious again. "Do you really think Wufei could do something like that considering how he feels about justice?"

"I wouldn’t have thought any of them were capable of that. Sometimes people change if things get to be too much for them. And sometimes people are just very good at hiding their true natures."

At Heero’s look of doubt, he sighed. It wasn’t a story he was happy telling, but it was to the point. Not letting go of the comforting hand, he started. "When I was little, maybe about 5 or so, there used to be a fruit vendor that would sometimes give the fruit that was going bad to the street rats. He said it was for free, though we didn’t really trust him at first. But he never asked for anything and we started to take it without being afraid. This went on about once a week for almost a year, no problem. One day, for no reason that we could see, he put poison in some of the fruit. Not all of it, but about a third it. The kids who ate it died before we could figure out what went wrong. Solo got us all together, even some of the other gangs came with us, and we confronted the man. When we asked him why, he just laughed and said it served us right for taking his fruit. Until the day it happened, I’d really liked the guy. He was the first adult I ever trusted and look where that got me."

"What happened to the man?"

Duo shivered in the wake of another bad memory. "Nothing that I’m going to talk about. Now you talk. What do you think I should do next?"

Heero shook the hand he held. "What we should do next."

Duo smiled. "Whee!"

Heero gave him a strange look. "Impossible. But well worth the aggravation." He sneaked a quick kiss, looking embarrassed at his boldness. "We wait for Quatre to get back and see what we get from him. Then we’ll consider what to do after that, though it’s probably going to be investigating their movements over the last couple of weeks, seeing who they’ve been meeting and if any of them match the general build of… the man who hurt you."

Duo nodded. It matched what he had thought, slim as it was. He didn’t really trust his perceptions of the man from last night, they were too clouded, nightmare images. But they were also all they had to go on. "That’s Ok, I know we have to investigate them, even though it’s not going to be fair to whoever isn’t involved."

Heero hesitated, then blurted out, "Maybe we should tell them what happened, see their reactions. If we could narrow the scope of the investigation by even one, it would be helpful. And anyone we cleared could assist with the investigation."

"No. I don’t want them to know." Just the thought of it made him sick.

Heero pulled him closer again, keeping his touch light when he felt Duo tense up. "You have nothing to be ashamed of. And the others need to know that we have someone that’s untrustworthy in our group. He could hurt one of them, or even you again."

And of course, that was what Duo was afraid of, but he still couldn’t see letting the others know. "Trowa would just stare, so what good would that do? Wufei, if he wasn’t disgusted, would go off into a rant about justice, which would be useless. And I couldn’t stand for Quatre to know."

"Why?"

"He’d get that kicked puppy look in his eyes and it would just make it worse. I’m hoping he doesn’t pick up that’s something wrong from his empathy, anyway. There’s no reason for him to have to go through what I’m feeling."

Heero got a calculating look in his eye, like he was weighing what he was going to say. Finally, he seemed to reach a decision. "Quatre’s not a child, any more than the rest of us. No one could do what we do and be that. And he’s been behaving oddly. For one, he was unusually aggressive with you when he thought you were sleeping around. For another, his being out so long and not letting anyone know where he is." Seeing Duo about to say something, he overrode him. "Regardless, even you can’t believe he’s all sweetness and light after the Zero system."

"The Zero system doesn’t prove anything. It’s not as if Zero was going to tell him that fucking me would end the war."

Heero flinched, but soldiered on anyway. "No, but it could have done damage we don’t know about. Even if you accept that Quatre was influenced by the system, he still followed through on its suggestions. He still took out an entire colony. Good intentions or not, fully cognizant or not, that’s still not something to be taken lightly. The guilt alone could be debilitating."

Duo sighed. "Maybe, but I’m tired of talking about it. Let’s go get something to eat while we wait for Quatre to come back in. If he’s not back in an hour, I’m going looking."

Heero hesitated. "Maybe you should stay here. If he’s run into trouble, you might not be up to helping."

Duo burned at that. "Let’s get one thing straight, Yuy, being in a relationship with me doesn’t give you the right to tell me what to do."

A light touch to his face. "I know. I just think your condition might be a hindrance if we run into trouble. Gundam pilot to Gundam pilot." Utter sincerity in every feature.

A large sigh at that. "You’re right."

"I know."

"Don’t get smug. Law of averages, it was bound to happen sometime."

"Just a lot more than it happens to you." A clearly visible smirk. He’d obviously decided that humor was appropriate here. Shame was, he was scoring points off Duo, king of comebacks. Well, Heero was a newbie at the sarcastic banter game, he could spare him a little victory.

Still. "You’re an asshole."

"Poetic. Or do I mean pathetic."

"Bite me."

"Maybe later." Damn, this new sense of humor thing was really getting out of hand.

Still, a Heero in love was a lot different than a Heero suppressing it. And kind of cute. He should get a pat on the shoulder for his effort. A pat and a kiss.

Duo put thought into action and kissed Heero deeply, putting his negative emotions tightly in their boxes so that only good things were in his mind. Heero was much appreciative, pulling Duo closer.

Duo thought things were going fine until Heero froze up. He pulled back from the embrace, his face remote, not letting Duo see what he was thinking.

"What the hell?"

"I have some mission plans that need work. I should go now. You should go and eat. Come and get me if Quatre doesn’t show up." It could have been his mobile suit talking, he was so devoid of emotion. He didn’t look back as he almost ran out of the room.

Duo was trying to piece together what had just happened when Quatre came back. Oh well, Heero could wait. He needed to try to find out as much as he could from Quatre without letting Quatre know anything about him. Frankly, tricky as that seemed, it was still easier than figuring out the enigma that was Heero.

::::::::::

He never had got much from Quatre. At first, he’d been too busy fussing over Duo’s bruises and then he’d been so buzzed that he wasn’t paying much attention to anything Duo said. Quatre had blamed it on lack of sleep. He’d said he’d been coming home when he saw the perfect place and had delayed to check it out, even though it kept him out late. Which sounded kind of suspicious, but at this point, everything seemed suspicious to Duo.

And it wasn’t as if he really believed that Quatre would hurt him. Personality aside, his empathy would keep that from being in any way likely. He’d always been good to Duo. Like when he took him in when he was numb from shock after Heero had self-destructed. Or when he’d listened to Duo talk about Heero for hours without yawning in his face. These were the hallmarks of a really good friend.

Of course, he didn’t really think the others had done it either. He couldn’t reconcile the people he’d thought he knew with someone who would want to hurt him. But he couldn’t let it go either. It had been weeks now and the only progress they’d made was finding out that Trowa, Wufei and Quatre all had fuller lives than even he’d known. They’d all been out and around in the weeks before that night, and they’d all met various people.

Trowa had met people from the circus. Duo and Heero had looked them up and several of them had the same general types of build as the bastard he was looking for, but they couldn’t find proof that any of them were him.

Wufei had met some people from his colony and also some people from Po’s group. Again, same types, no evidence.

Quatre had met loads of people. It had taken them a week just to look into the ones that Quatre had met. Heck, the Magnuacs alone had taken them a couple of days, even though they’d had no missions to distract them during that time. And though several of them could have been the guilty party, none of them were definitely it.

 

All this suspicion kept giving him a tension headache. Sure, he could leave the group, go back to fighting on his own, but the loneliness would be so unbearable after he’d finally felt he’d belonged. Of course, Heero would come with him, but then the not knowing would always haunt him. It was a no win situation.

Stupid, really, because even if he knew for sure, it wouldn’t make the rape go away. But not knowing made it worse, somehow.

He started when he felt hands on his shoulders, but when they started to massage his tense muscles, he relaxed. Heero.

"You’re as tense as a board. What’s going on?"

"I’ve been investigating the others for weeks, you’ve been investigating the others for weeks, and we’re no closer to an answer now than we were." Duo was so tired that the massage was almost putting him to sleep.

"Why don’t you talk it out, let’s see what you think." The magic fingers continued their work.

"It could be Trowa. He was pretty scary when he thought I was making a play for his lover, so it stands to reason he’d do something about it. But then, would he do something that horrible?"

"I wouldn’t have thought so."

"Me, either." Heero hit a particularly taut spot and Duo moaned. "Oh, yeah, right there. Feels so good. Hmm, where was I? Oh, yeah, Wufei. He can be ruthless, as we both know, and he’s been behaving oddly, like he’s hiding something from me. Of course, I would never have believed that his honor would let him behave in such an underhanded way. But, then, I never thought he would come on to me, either."

"I don’t think his honor or his pride would let him use a middleman, even if his sanity had failed him enough that he would attack you. Though his… sexual interest in you, considering how tightly contained he usually is, does seem a trifle odd. He is sixteen, however. His libido had to catch up to him some day." Heero smirked at the thought.

"Yeah. It’s so frustrating. I keep looking for atypical behavior, but, hell, when you evaluate someone’s every action, it all starts to look atypical. How do you know what you’re seeing as opposed to what you’re imagining?"

"Step away from it. You’re working yourself up over it, and it’s clouding your judgment." Heero’s hands were moving further down his back, thumbs doing wonderful things to his spine.

"I have to know, Heero. At least believe I know. I don’t think I can keep working with the others if I don’t. Hell, I’m even starting to suspect Quatre, that’s how bad things are." It was a battle to keep from tensing up again and undoing Heero’s work.

"You should suspect Quatre." An argument they’d had several times.

"Heero, don’t start that again. Quatre could never do that. Even if he were cruel enough, he wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. His space heart would make him too aware of the pain he was inflicting."

"Maybe he enjoys the pain."

Duo snorted. "Yeah, Quatre, he of the marshmallow center, enjoys pain. I don’t think so."

Heero pulled Duo around, continuing his massage on his arms. He looked intently into Duo’s eyes. "When we first met, you were amazed that I could set my own leg. I was so focused on my mission, on being what I’d been trained to be, that I could do something like that because the pain became secondary to what I wanted to do. That’s what obsession does for you."

"Maybe. But you’re special. You’re strong and focused, ruthless if you need to be. Quatre…"

Heero shook his head, cutting him off. "Is those things, too. We all are. Just because he doesn’t often show that part of himself, doesn’t mean it’s not there. You of all people should know better than to accept the face that someone shows as the whole truth. You may be the king of masks, but all of us wear them."

"Well, that was comforting. I feel much better now."

A quick kiss to make it better. "Anything for you, love."

"Ugh. Maudlin, much?"

"I’m just trying to develop the sense of humor you told me I lacked."

"I’d noticed the attempt. Develop it on someone else’s time."

"Yes, master."

Duo smacked the hands that had stilled in their wonderful movements. "Stop it or I’ll be forced to … well, forced to do something."

"Yes, master."

"You asked for it." He leaned forward and planted a full-out, no-holds-barred kiss on Heero’s lips, which Heero returned with apparent enthusiasm.

When air became an issue, Heero pulled back from the kiss and looked at him intently again, the humor giving way to concern. "Actually, for all that you’re pushing yourself trying to find the answers, I still think you’re handling it well."

"Handling what well? The rape?"

It was obvious that this discussion was making Heero uncomfortable, but he had his determined look on. Duo thought he looked cute when he was trying to overcome his reticence. "Yes, the rape. I don’t know, I think I’d be a basket case if it had happened to me and yet you seem to be doing all right."

Duo sighed, wishing that were true. "Most of that’s just me being me. Run and hide time."

Heero just looked at him, obviously waiting for more.

Duo decided that he was only sort of cute when he was like this. "Honestly, Heero, a lot of it is camouflage. Also, regardless of this conversation, I don’t like dwelling on things. It’s bad enough when life fucks you over without doing it to yourself. If I thought too much about it, then I’d just be down all the time and never have any fun. What would be the point of living like that?"

"So you’re just using selective memory to get through this? What about dealing with the trauma itself?"

Actually, now that Duo thought it over, Heero was downright un-cute when he did this. "Time deals with it. Mostly."

Duo snorted at Heero’s skeptical look. "Look, some of us don’t feel the need to constantly psychoanalyze ourselves. And anyway, a lot of this was already dealt with. I’ve already lived through this. It wasn’t the rape itself that bothered me as much as that I’d thought it would never happen again. The fact that I wasn’t strong enough to stop it."

Duo felt himself tensing up. He didn’t want to talk about this, but he didn’t want to shut Heero out. Here he was dealing with all the downsides to being in a relationship and getting few of the perks. Not that he was really ready to deal with all of the perks right now, but still.

Heero reached out and took his hand as he delivered his next shot. "That it was set up by someone you know."

And it was a direct hit, ship down, all hands lost. "Yeah. That’s why I can’t let it go. I know I shouldn’t have let my guard down, even in our safe house, but it still kills me that it wouldn’t have happened without inside help."

"I can’t tell you how to act." Heero continued, ignoring Duo’s incredulous laugh, "But I think ignoring this is going to wind up hurting you in the long run. And the last thing in the world I want is for you to be hurt any more. Maybe instead of looking for who set you up, we should just split away from the others permanently. We can work together without being together. It would be safer all around. And maybe then you can feel safe." Heero leaned in and kissed Duo lightly on the lips. Then having reached the limit of his comfort in dealing with emotional issues, he fled back into his room.

Duo stood looking at his boyfriend’s retreating back, admiring the courage he’d displayed in trying to overcome his learned repression. And his fine ass. Maybe he was getting those perks after all.

::::::::::

Trowa had helped him out with his part of the mission planning, giving a slight smile at Duo’s questioning look. "To make up for the grief I gave you." Duo had smiled back, glad of the help and feeling only a little bit nervous about being near the other pilot.

Actually, Duo had already been a little nervous. It was his first ground mission since the attack, and he hadn’t been a hundred percent sure he was up to it. But he was completely healed and Heero was accompanying him on the mission, so, really, there had been no reason to have a fit of nerves. Still, some instinct had said worry.

However, here he was, mission almost complete and it appeared that his instincts had been wrong this time. Everything was going just as he and Trowa had planned. Everything except that there wasn’t an exit in front of him as Trowa had said there was.

Still, no problem, just a slight delay. He’d find an exit close by, he was sure.

And find it he did, right next to the OZ guard that was standing by it.

It would still have worked out Ok if it weren’t for the fact that, warped by shadow as he was, the guard looked horrifyingly like the man who had raped him. Even with the sharp stab of panic that he had felt at that, it still might have been fine if he hadn’t inadvertently backed up into a shelf, which rattled at the touch.

Everything happened in a blur after that. He’d turned to run, but fear had slowed him and he hadn’t made it two steps before the guard grabbed him by his arms and the whole world shorted out. He forgot the mission, he forgot the weapons he carried, he forgot his training. All he could remember was pain. ‘Hands, hurt, it’s going to happen again and I can’t stop it,’ the whole warped mantra endlessly looping in his brain. Until a sharp pain that wasn’t memory brought him out of his fugue state and he looked into Heero’s face, saw the raised hand ready to slap him again. "Duo! Duo, come on! We have to go."

Everything returned in a painful rush. Training kicked in, mission focus at the ready. "I’m ready. Let’s finish this."

And they did. But Duo didn’t feel any pride of accomplishment. All he could feel was the shame that he’d had to be saved by Heero. That he’d been so afraid that one lousy guard had almost taken him out, when before the… before, it would have taken a whole squadron. He’d never felt so lost.  
::::::::::

"Duo, you have to deal with this. No more glossing it over, no more hiding. You’re going to get yourself hurt. Or one of us."

Duo was tired. Heero had been silent all the way home, but he certainly wasn’t pulling his punches now. "I know. I’m trying." He felt near tears, it was a struggle not to show them.

"No, you’re not. You’re spending all of your time and effort on trying to find out who hurt you and not dealing with the hurt itself. And now the trail is cold, if there ever was a trail in the first place. Let it go." Heero reached out to grasp his hand, but Duo pulled away.

"Why? Why should I let it go? Maybe I am getting close to something, something you don’t want me to know. Is that it?" He could still feel the panic swirling around his gut, knowing it wasn’t fully rational, but unable to stop.

"Do you truly believe that?"

Duo started to answer and stopped. Not only didn’t he really believe it, but Heero sounded hurt. Of all the things he didn’t want to do, hurting Heero was at the top of the list. "No. I trust you, Heero. It’s me I don’t trust. I almost got caught. You had to save me. Save me, like I’m some child that can’t look after himself. Do you have any idea how humiliating that is?"

"You were definitely distracted and we both know it can’t go on like this. But you need to cut yourself some slack, as you would say. You had something traumatic happen to you and it was most likely at the instigation of someone you know. That would faze anyone." This time when Heero reached for him, Duo reached back. "Remember, I told you that I don’t think I could have dealt with it as well as you have. But you need to let the investigation go, Duo. It’s keeping the whole thing in your mind and it isn’t getting you any closer to an answer. We can leave and then it won’t matter who did what. Though I still think you should tell them, so that whoever’s left isn’t taken by surprise."

Duo couldn’t stop shaking. Now that it was almost over, the adrenalin was letting him down. "I know. But it’s so hard. They were all my friends and now I feel like I can’t trust any of them."

"But you do trust me?" Hopeful sounding.

"I do. More than I’ve ever trusted anyone." At the look in Heero’s eyes, Duo closed his and leaned forward ready to accept his kiss. That’s why it was a surprise when he heard Quatre’s voice close by.

"You’re back. Oh, Duo, are you Ok? What happened?" Eyes wide, nearly breathless. Damn, the kicked puppy look.

Before Duo or Heero could answer, Quatre reached out and touched Duo’s lip. "Your lip is split. It might need a stitch in it. Come with me, I’ll fix you up."

Duo pulled away from the touch, strangely discomfited by it. Here his friend was offering comfort and he couldn’t even accept it. This is why he’d kept looking for who had set him up even when it seemed hopeless. He couldn’t go on this way forever, afraid of being alone with the others. He wouldn’t be, not anymore.

 

"Ok, you can play mother hen. I’ll catch you later, Heero. We’ll pick up from where we left off, won’t we?" He winked at his almost-lover as he followed Quatre out of the room.

::::::::::

Once he escaped from the mad medic’s clutches, he went looking for Heero. They needed to work out where they were going. When they were going. And he needed his kiss, damn it.

As he turned to go upstairs, he heard Heero’s voice coming from the kitchen. Well, he was a little peckish, too. He could kill two birds with one stone and then he could eat them.

Before he got in the room however, he heard Wufei’s intense voice. "I don’t think this is a good idea, Yuy."

"Well, I do. This is getting us nowhere. Just be ready. I don’t want the others to know where we’re going, in case they try to stop us. I don’t want them interfering."

"All right, but I don’t think Duo’s going to like it."

"Don’t you worry about Duo, I’ll handle him. Just go."

Duo had halted in his tracks and now had to backtrack fast before they left the kitchen and found him there. He needed to think about what he had just heard.

He managed to get back to his room without anyone seeing him. He felt so tired. Between the mission, the painkiller Quatre had given him and the doubt that was swirling inside him, he felt completely drained.

He’d heard something out of context, he knew that. They could have been talking about something completely different to what he was afraid they’d been talking about. But could he accept that at face value? It had sounded as if Heero was telling Wufei to come with them, as if Wufei had already known that they might leave. But why would Heero have told him, considering he was one of their suspects?

Unless… maybe it hadn’t been one of them who’d betrayed him, but two of them.

No, he didn’t believe that. He couldn’t. He’d survived everything that life had thrown at him, though he’d hated much of it. But Heero was the best thing he’d ever had. He didn’t think he could survive losing him.

But he couldn’t stay here while he decided. Heero would come and find him soon, regardless of his intentions. He needed to get away for a while, think it through. Then he’d call Heero and let him know where he was.

Duo laughed at that last thought. He was so sure that he would wind up with Heero, he couldn’t think of the alternative. Leaving was pretty much pointless in the face of that. When Heero showed up, he’d just talk to him about what he’d heard. They’d work it out.

Now if only he wasn’t so tired. So tired.

::::::::::

Duo came awake slowly. Even with his eyes closed it felt as if the room was moving. Maybe it was. Opening his eyes certainly didn’t stop the spin. He was confused, though, because he didn’t recognize the room and he was pretty sure he’d been in his own bedroom when he went to sleep. Had Heero moved him already?

Maybe he was getting things wrong. He clearly remembered Quatre playing nurse, but it got kind of cloudy after that. He’d gone looking for Heero. Yeah, and then he’d overheard him and Wufei talking. He was sure that had happened. Then he’d gone to his room. And he’d woken up here. Something missing there. If only he could think.

He got his wish as his thoughts turned crystal clear and the world ground to a sudden stop when he tried to move and found that he couldn’t. His arms were roped together over his head and attached to the bed he was laying on. His legs… his legs were tied up high on the posts at the foot of the bed, so he way lying with his feet spread wide and up in the air. His very naked ass on full display.

This was not happening again. This could not be happening again. But no amount of tugging or denying changed anything. This was happening.

Well damned if he would stay around and find out what someone had planned. He started working on his hands, trying to get them free, but he’d barely begun when he heard someone come in. The answer he’d been searching for so desperately was walking through the door.

Quatre. A naked, aroused Quatre.

This was a bad dream, it had to be. A fingernail dug in his palm caused pain but no change in scene; not a dream then. And one look in those eyes, the excitement, the madness clear in their depths, stopped any thought of this being some bizarre mistake. Oh God, he didn’t want to believe it. Sweet, gentle Quatre wasn’t so sweet and gentle. Heero had been right after all.

"Good, you’re awake. I’d hate for you to miss anything." His smile was just as full of friendship as it always was.

"I don’t know what you’re thinking here, Quatre, but you need to let me loose."

"Oh, no, that’s not what I plan to do at all. And unless I want to listen to your complaints, I’d better take care of that lovely mouth." He pulled out a long length of cloth from a drawer by the bed, ignoring Duo’s useless protests and even more useless attempts to evade it. When the cloth was firmly in place, he stroked the lips wrapped around it. "A shame, really, but I couldn’t have trusted you not to bite if I’d put it to the use I wanted."

Duo chose to believe that he’d been gagged because someone else might be around to hear him. It wouldn’t stop him from trying to escape by himself, but it still gave him a little bit more hope.

"I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long, I can hardly believe it’s here. I hope I don’t get overexcited and wind up disappointing you with my performance."

Duo had already known what was going to happen, but he still cringed at what Quatre was implying. He used the movement to test out the ropes on his hands and legs, hoping for some give. Damn, still tight as a drum. This wasn’t going to be easy.

"I used rope, because I saw how close you came to getting out of the cuffs. I wouldn’t want this time between us spoiled."

Oh, right, he’d ‘seen’ what had happened. This just kept getting worse and worse.

"You really shouldn’t have refused me, Duo. That wasn’t nice at all. And after all the things I had done for you." Quatre shook his head, his disappointment in Duo clear on his face.

"I’d wanted you in my bed after Heero had tried to blow himself up, but you were too obsessed over him to pay any attention. But after I got together with Trowa, I didn’t care anymore." Quatre smiled again, clearly lost in a happy thought.

Duo used his distraction to work on the ropes around his wrists. Maybe if he got them wet with blood, they would be slick enough to give.

"But Trowa has some issues. He won’t allow himself to be penetrated. I thought at first it was because he’d been raped. I wouldn’t have been surprised if it had happened, considering he grew up with a bunch of hardened soldiers, but it wasn’t that at all. He just can’t stand the feel of it and gets so tense it hurts him. So I was doing all the receiving and getting nothing back."

Duo was trying to appear interested in Quatre’s rambling, but he was barely paying any attention in his quest to free himself. Quatre’s hand squeezing his cock hard brought his attention back, however.

"It’s not polite to ignore your host, Duo. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Really, at first, I didn’t mind the lack of reciprocity in the sex because I was so in love. After the tensions that the whole Zero mess caused, though, it really started to get to me. I had made concessions for our relationship, why couldn’t Trowa?"

The hand on his cock loosened, allowing Duo to regain his breath. The pain still washed up and down him, but he ignored it in favor of his potential freedom. That touch had only been a part of what was coming and he wanted to avoid all of it if he could.

"Then you started putting it out all over the place. I’d been interested once before, but you’d been oblivious. There I was, interested again, and there you were, trying to get over Heero. The situation was perfect for both of us. Except you kept refusing me. I don’t understand why you had to be so difficult."

The slap caught him by surprise, though why he thought Quatre wasn’t violent considering the situation he was in, he didn’t know. It wasn’t like he could avoid anything, though, tied as he was, so it was back to trying to get free. Maybe if he dislocated his thumb.

"I was very irritated with you, but I didn’t know what to do about it. So I talked it over with a friend of mine, Asa. Anytime things start to go wrong, like the problems with Trowa and you, he’s always been really helpful. He seems to understand me better than anyone. It’s funny, too, because before Zero, I used to think he was scum. But it turns out he understands me even better than I do myself. He was the one who introduced me to the most amazing thing; Relive."

Duo scowled at the reminder.

Quatre stroked the furrow between Duo’s eyes, laughing as the scowl grew more pronounced. "Ah, I see by your expression that you know what it is. Before he started working for me, Asa used to work for J, which is where he got it from. He had made a couple of tapes for me of some of his… friends. Nice enough, but not what I really wanted. They were just strangers, no feeling attached."

A hand trailed down and pinched one of Duo’s nipples. A sharp twist of the nub made Duo moan, closely echoed by Quatre. Turning his attention to the other one, Quatre continued in a breathy, excited voice, "I really wanted it to be you, but you were giving it away to everyone but me. So Asa suggested that he go to one of the clubs you frequented and try to pick you up. Then he could record the whole thing for me and it would be like I had gotten you myself."

Ignoring what Quatre was doing to his nipples was hard enough, but it was even harder to ignore what was being said. How could someone as logical as Quatre spout such garbage? Oh, yeah, he was crazy. But he almost had his thumb dislocated, so if Quatre wanted to waste time rationalizing his behavior, then would gladly use it to get free.

Quatre moved his hands further down Duo’s torso, dragging his nails over the ribs, then digging into the hips. "We were talking the morning before, well, that morning, and I told him I thought we had missed our chance. You’d already said that you weren’t going out anymore, that you were just going to stay home and enjoy a night alone. I didn’t realize then, of course, what I was telling him. He just laughed and told me to come and get the tape the next morning. I thought he must have managed to meet you the night before. He certainly didn’t tell me what had actually happened when he gave me the tape and I hadn’t seen you yet when I first played it. Too anxious to wait."

Between the pain he was feeling and that last part, Duo felt quite ill.

Stopping his exploration of Duo, Quatre tilted his head, looking quizzical. "I still don’t know how he got into our safe house. I don’t remember ever telling him the codes, but I guess I must have at some point. Needless to say, I was unprepared for what was coming. The pain. Very unprepared for that, just as Asa had been, even though I’d told him you were resourceful. And then there was the anger over the pain. His anger, my anger, all mixed together. His joy over having you… fucking you… hurting you. It was…."

Duo didn’t want to hear what it was, but even after he’d disjointed his thumb, he was still having trouble getting his hands free. The restraints were so tight that the reduced width of his hand wasn’t quite enough. Luckily the blood produced by his effort at freedom was aiding his attempt. If Quatre would just keep talking.

The quizzical look had been replaced by one of wonder. "Intense. Strange. Wonderful."

Well, Duo had wanted him to keep talking, even if it was disturbing.

"I told myself that it was wrong and I should throw the tape away. But it had to be destroyed so that no one else would ever see it. I hadn’t had a chance to get rid of it when I next met you."

Quatre was toying with his own nipples now, raw lust in his face. "I saw the bruises that he’d left and I was instantly hard. I couldn’t stop myself from touching them, so I had to cover it up by playing nurse. Not that you didn’t need one, but it was still too much. I tried to control it, told myself it was wrong, that you were my friend."

The hand trailed down his chest to stroke the hard, oozing cock. "But it wasn’t enough; I had to watch the tape again. It was even better the second time, but it just whetted my appetite for more. I made love with Trowa, hoping that would help, but I started picturing doing it to him. Not just fucking him like he fucked me, but all of it. The ropes. The pain."

The blood flow was helping and Duo’s hands were coming free, just another minute and he’d be out of here. Just one more little minute.

"I couldn’t do that to Trowa. I love him too much. But I wanted to so badly. I watched the tape over and over, hoping to quell the urge, but it wouldn’t go away. And then you came back from your mission. You had bruises on your arm where the guard had held you and your lip was split, as if he’d kissed you hard. I could picture it all so perfectly, could almost feel it playing out. Wanted to feel it. I knew then what I had to do. The tape, as good as it felt, wasn’t enough. I had to do it myself. Had to hurt someone myself. Had to fuck someone. Yourself."

Half way there.

"I would tell you I’m sorry, Duo. But I’m not. I’m going to enjoy every minute of this. Even the empathic pain I’ll feel from you." With that he moved to the bottom of the bed, crouching over Duo, placing the tip of his straining cock at the entrance it sought.

Just a little more.

"Go ahead and struggle. I like it." Quatre took Duo’s bottom lip between his teeth and bit hard. Duo’s cry could be heard even through the gag.

Almost done.

"You’ll have to scream for me to hear you, but I bet I can give you a reason to." With that he gave a light thrust, barely entering Duo, but even that slight penetration hurt.

Duo did scream as his hands finally came free. The blood slicking them didn’t affect his grip any as he struck out and rendered Quatre unconscious. And all with a second left to spare.

Duo was shoving the bastard off of him when he heard a pounding on the door. Damn, had Quatre brought backup? He frantically moved to untie his feet before whoever it was got in, but this time he didn’t make it.

Heero came through the door like the hero he was.

::::::::::

Duo would have liked to think that the fact that neither he nor Heero had killed Quatre was a sign of their more gentle natures, but he knew it was really because Wufei had come in right behind Heero. They’d untied Duo and used the rope on Quatre, and by that time, Heero had calmed down enough that he was back in soldier mode. He made the report to the Mads and they said they’d handle it. Duo had thought that was a euphemism for execution, but he hadn’t been overly concerned about it. He’d just wanted to get out of there.

Which they did. Once the three of them had settled into their new safe house, Heero had explained everything. He and Wufei had suspected Quatre all along. They’d seen the signs that Duo hadn’t wanted to. They’d figured out that Trowa’s odd behavior stemmed from his awareness that something wasn’t right with his lover. They’d decided that since they couldn’t get enough evidence to prove any of this, that they’d just leave.

That was what he’d overheard them talking about that night in the kitchen. When they’d gone to find Duo and couldn’t, they’d instantly suspected Quatre and eventually managed to figure out where he had gone. It was the safe house that he’d scouted the night of the rape. He hadn’t been totally lying about where he’d been that night, after all.

A little while after they’d moved, Heero said he had a mission, even though there hadn’t been anything on the log. He returned the next day, some blood on his clothes, but he himself was uninjured. Duo never questioned him about it, satisfied with whatever revenge Heero had extracted.

It was some months later that they’d found out that the doctors’ idea of handling Quatre’s problem wasn’t death, but therapy. Dr. S had told them that Quatre was cured. That the stress of the war, combined with the debilitating effects left over by the Zero system, had made him susceptible to the negative influences of J’s training device, but that medication and counseling had reversed the damage. In other words, he’d gone crazy but he’d got better.

Duo snorted, too used to the Mad Doctors’ double speak to be taken in now. Not that Duo himself hadn’t got better. Everything had healed. Well, mostly, anyway. All that was left as a reminder were some faint pink scars around his wrists and a deep, abiding distrust of Quatre. Of course, in that last part he wasn’t alone, even after Dr. S’ announcement. Of all of them, only Trowa would have anything to do with Quatre, and even he wouldn’t stay with him. Which was eminently reasonable, Duo thought.

Things had improved, though. Duo was still recovering from almost being raped again, and by someone he’d considered a friend. He was pretty disgusted with himself that he hadn’t seen the signs of said friend’s breakdown. It didn’t speak well of his friendship skills. However, he’d got back a lot of his self-esteem when he’d managed to save himself before Heero got there. He didn’t like seeing himself as a victim.

Or as the needy one. But that problem was solved by another problem. Seemed that Heero had felt kind of down because he’d suspected Quatre and still hadn’t managed to stop him. He’d also been upset with himself for making Duo doubt him, since that doubt had meant that Duo was alone when the sedative Quatre had slipped him took effect. Very happy to be the one providing comfort for a change, Duo used a judicious amount of kissing and petting to get Heero to forget all about it.

It was during one of these marathon make-out sessions that Heero went weird on him again, pulling away and trying to leave the room on the flimsiest of excuses. "All right, Yuy. What gives? Did I all of sudden get cooties?"

"Cooties? No, never mind, I don’t want to know. I’m sorry, Duo. I didn’t mean to let it go so far."

Duo couldn’t breathe, his heart turned to stone. Had Heero only been with him because he felt sorry for him?

"I start kissing you and I get so hot and I don’t think I can stop. I don’t want to push you, though, so I thought it would be better if I left. I’m sorry."

Oh, that was better. Sort of.

"Thanks, Heero. But I’m thinking this has gone on long enough."

Heero looked stricken. "I’m sorry, Duo. I swear I won’t put any pressure on you. We don’t have to ever have sex if you don’t want to."

Duo gave him a sultry smile. "But I do want to."

The look of relief on Heero’s face was amusing. "Oh."

"I’ve reduced you to words of one syllable again. Is that good or bad?"

"How about these syllables. I want you to fuck me." With that rather startling announcement, Heero pulled Duo in tight.

Wow, and he’d been thinking along the lines of a hand job. Heero sometimes had the best ideas. Still, he had to make sure. "Um, not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you." Oh, no, not hurt at all. But he so did want to fuck him.

Heero tried to give his own sultry smile, but it came out kind of crooked. "Fuck me, Duo."

Duo’s heart wanted this, Duo’s head wanted this. Hell, his aching cock really wanted this, but Heero had never seemed in the least interested in this before. He was afraid he knew why Heero was offering his body now.

"Heero, you don’t have to do this, you know. I won’t go away. I won’t stop being your friend just because you don’t want to be fucked by me. Don’t do this if you don’t want to."

Heero looked stunned. "Are you a mind-reader and just failed to mention it until now?"

Duo tried to smile, but the disappointment was too much. He’d wanted Heero so very much, would love to be in him, but not at Heero’s expense. Well, since he loved Heero too much to hurt him, he’d just have to live without this. He was well versed in living without things he wanted. Besides, a little mutual masturbation would take care of the immediate problem and they could work out the rest later.

Heero pulled Duo closer and whispered in his ear, "Before you’d told me that you loved me… well, even for a while after that, I would have felt that way. Would have been afraid that after I took the first step with you, admitting what I wanted, that I would then lose you if I couldn’t make you happy. I can never figure out why you love me anyway, as you’re so exciting and I’m so staid"

Duo laughed at that assessment. Boy, was Heero was blind about himself or what? "I love you because I love you."

Heero smiled a blinding smile at him, not crooked at all. "Yeah, but that’s what I thought then. And as I certainly didn’t have any idea how to make you happy, it was better to leave things as they were rather than risk that loss. The bits of you I got when you teased me, flirted with me, were better than not having any of your attention at all."

A deep sigh. "But it got to be too much, and I couldn’t keep it in any longer. You looked so hurt and alone that I wanted to make it all better for you. I just hoped that my love would be enough even if it wasn’t returned. But it was. And even though you’d been hurt, you let me in. You trusted me when I told you I wasn’t involved, though you had no evidence to base that trust on. You smiled at me even when you were in pain."

Duo could feel the tension in Heero as he tried to express emotions he’d been trained to suppress. He could tell him it was all right, but showing was always better than telling, so he kissed him instead.

The kiss left them both breathless, but Heero started talking again anyway. "It took me awhile, but I realized that I didn’t have to ‘make’ you happy. That you were happy just because you liked me, liked being with me. Duo, no one’s ever felt that way about me but you. I would give you anything in return for that."

Duo wished he didn’t have to say this, but he couldn’t let it pass. "Heero, I want your love, not your gratitude."

Heero shook his head. "I’m not saying this right. I do love you, Duo. I love you more than I thought I could love anyone. I’m not doing this out of gratitude. I want to be close to you in any way I can." Heero gave him another shiny smile. "And if it feels good, then it’s a win-win situation all around."

Duo’s grin was back firmly in place, and it wasn’t the only firm thing present. "Well then, if it’s feeling good you’re after, we should have a little less talk and a lot more action."

Enthusiasm notwithstanding, it was awkward at first. Even Duo, who had had sex before, once voluntarily, still hadn’t had that much experience at giving or receiving pleasure. Heero seemed to be operating on a combination of anticipation and anxiety, neither of which lent itself to slow and easy. Duo went along with it until the conjunction of too much force, too sharp teeth and too soft lips moved things from awkward to painful. Pulling back from the kiss, he pushed Heero to sit down on the bed, whispering, "Easy."

Heero blushed, turning his head away. "Sorry."

"No need to be sorry, just a need to be careful." Duo gently pulled the face back around, and stroked his fingers over Heero’s lips, loving the shudder this produced. He trailed his hands down to the hem of Heero’s shirt, reversed direction, and slowly peeled it off. Once this barrier was out of his way, he let his fingers roam at will, looking for what produced the strongest reaction. A brush of fingers over the nipples caused a hitch in breath, pinching the nubs caused a moan.

Wanting more, Duo pulled his own shirt off before settling Heero all the way back on the bed. Laying beside him, he took one of the nipples in his mouth, sucking firmly while rubbing his tongue over the nub. Heero arched, almost knocking Duo off the bed. Grabbing for him, Heero managed to keep him steady, though at the sacrifice of some more bruises. Seeing Duo wince, Heero turned over, putting his back to him. "Sorry."

"Heero… look at me."

He did turn back around, but Heero kept his eyes down, not looking at Duo. It wasn’t enough to keep Duo from seeing the sparkle of unshed tears in his eyes. He brushed his fingers along Heero’s cheek, unsure of how to make this right. "Why?"

"I’m screwing this up!"

Oh. Heero may have thought he was past his relationship anxieties, but they hadn’t just disappeared, anymore than Duo’s had. Well, they’d get around them. Somehow.

"You’re not screwing anything up. We’re just out to have a good time-"

"Which you’re not." Heero looked miserable.

"Heero, I’m with the person I love. I guarantee you that I’m having a good time." Except for figuring out how to handle this, that was true.

"I keep hurting you. I don’t seem to be able to stop, even when I’m trying. That’s not a good time." Snarky and unbelieving.

"Well, we’ve had a couple of… awkward moments, but it’ll get better. It just takes some practice." Seeing the look on Heero’s face, Duo asked, "Have you ever even kissed someone before?"

And there was the blush, and again Heero turned away. "No… but I have read several books about sexual intercourse."

Duo laughed. "Well, I read a book about brain surgery. Do you think I should start taking patients?"

At least he turned back to face Duo, even if he did look sort of angry. "It’s hardly the same thing. One is a lot more complicated than the other."

"No, it is the same, in that neither one are things that can be learned strictly from a book. They both need some, well, hands on training." He pulled Heero into a deep, wet kiss. "You’ll never get that from a book."

"No, but I still shouldn’t be so bad at it."

Duo lifted one eyebrow, looking skeptical. "Did you just get in your Gundam and fly it the first time, or did you need to work up to it?"

Heero mirrored Duo, lifting the other eyebrow. "I wasn’t trying to fuck my Gundam."

"Good thing, too, ‘cause that’s kind of kinky and it’d probably hurt. My point is lots of things have a learning curve, even for Mr. Perfection."

Heero looked miserable again. "I’m not perfect. I don’t really want to be. I just want to make this good."

Duo smiled. He could work with this. "I bet you learn very quickly once you’re actually shown something. So how about I show you what to do and you just lay back and learn."

"And how is that good for you?"

"Oh, it will be good for me in many ways." He moved them both so that he was lying on top of the other boy. "I get to kiss your sexy lips." He ran his tongue around the lips in question, nipping on the bottom lip before he actually kissed him.

"And I get to touch all this lovely skin." He ran his fingers down the well-defined chest, dipping them in the navel, and then just under the waistband of his pants. He could tell that Heero’s anxieties hadn’t totally dampened his excitement.

"I get to suck these pert, little nubs." He turned his attention back to the nipples, running his tongue in circles around them, then alternating between sucking and gently biting them.

Heero was panting and moaning by this time. He couldn’t keep still any longer and reached for Duo, trying to reciprocate.

Duo caught hold of the hands. "Please, Heero, just let me do this."

"But I want to touch you. I’ll be gentle." Almost pleading.

Duo sighed. "You’re not the only one who’s nervous here. I… I’m not… I want this, Heero, but I’m not sure I wouldn’t…" He trailed off, not knowing how to phrase this so it wouldn’t sound bad.

"You’re not sure you won’t panic if you’re not in charge?"

Well that was one way of putting it. "Yeah."

Heero kissed Duo on the forehead. "Then this will be a learning experience for both of us." He lay back on the bed, putting one arm over his face, saying "Do with me what you will, sir."

Heero as the heroine from a cheesy romance. Ok, it did make it difficult to be nervous when you were giggling like a loon. Duo gave him a kiss in appreciation. "In that case, we’re both still a little overdressed." He debated whether to draw the undressing out or not. Of course, they were both sixteen and likely to come at the first touch if they got too excited, so best not. They were both naked in no time flat.

Nearly drooling at the sight before him, it suddenly occurred to Duo that he didn’t have anything to use as lubrication. The next couple of minutes were spent in a chaotic search for something that would do in a pinch. Thank whoever for first aid kits and antibiotic cream. He’d have to go shopping before next time.

Just the thought that he and Heero could do this again and again almost made Duo come. He’d wanted this so bad, and he was finally about to get it. Almost too good to be true.

Cream in hand he positioned Heero on his side, wanting to make this as painless as he could. Not that Heero hadn’t read about it, so he must know there would be some pain involved, but Duo was going to make sure it was as little as possible. As he circled the hole, applying the cream, he felt Heero tense up and pull away.

Ok, maybe he was going a bit fast here. Moving astride him, he used one hand to stroke Heero’s cock while he used the other to apply the lube. It seemed to help until he dipped his finger into the too-tight opening. Heero ducked his head into the bed, but Duo had heard the groan and it hadn’t been one of pleasure.

So slower still. He lay behind Heero, reaching to take his hand. Which was shaking.

So close. So close to what he wanted. It really had been too good to be true. "Heero, I can’t."

Heero turned over to face him, puzzled. "Why?"

"I can’t do this if you’re afraid." Duo’s hands were shaking now.

Heero looked at him for a moment, and then the tension went out of him. "I’m not really afraid."

"Yeah, that’s why your hands were shaking."

"No, I’m not really afraid. It’s just a small part of me is a little bit scared of a rather larger part of you."

Duo snorted. "Unfortunately, those are the parts that are going to come into play here."

Heero smiled. "It’s not unfortunate. It’s just a matter of practice, right?"

Hoist by his own petard. "You sure?"

"I’m sure. There’s just a part of me that needs convincing. So get to it." Heero took Duo’s hand and placed it on his ass.

Well who was he to argue with Heero, especially when he had such good ideas. He settled down to do some serious convincing.

After several minutes of stroking and lubing, Heero seemed to be ready. If relaxed and moaning were anything to go by, anyway. He pushed his cock in slowly, pausing when the head was in to give Heero time to acclimate. And to keep himself from coming just from the feel of this.

He figured Heero was ready when he pushed back against him, driving himself further onto Duo’s cock. Always trying to be in the driver’s seat, even when he was on the bottom.

Duo pushed himself all the way in, trying to make the thrust as smooth as possible, but having trouble restraining himself as he was sheathed in the most amazing place his cock had ever been. Though, as he had never got quite this far with anyone else, it had only ever been in his hand before now. No competition there. He didn’t really believe that anything could compete with this.

He held still momentarily, trying to stave off his imminent orgasm, but Heero had other ideas. He pushed back against Duo, begging "Move!"

Which Duo did.

Knowing that this wouldn’t last as long as he wanted, he started stroking Heero’s cock to the rhythm of his thrusts. He changed the angle of entry until he heard Heero cry out, a pretty good sign that he’d found his prostate.

Heero was panting, but he still found breath to say, "I can’t believe I was ever afraid of this."

Duo managed to get his brain to work enough to reply. "There’s all kinds of strengths, not all of which are measured in bending steel bars. And, of course, I happen to be very good at this." He gave a wicked twist of his hips that left Heero gasping in pleasure.

"Very, very good." Heero tightened himself around Duo’s cock, drawing his own gasp.

After that, there was no breath or thought left to say anything. Heero seemed to lose all control, gyrating back and forth between the hand on his cock and the cock in his ass, his orgasm sending spurts of semen everywhere.

Duo held back his own orgasm, determined to make it last. Until he looked down and saw that profile; a face normally cold and reserved unless he was fighting, now flushed, pleasure clearly displayed. Duo’s own pleasure seemed to come rolling from his toes, through his brain and then finally out his cock, leaving nothing in its path.

::::::::::

When Duo was next capable of thought, he found that Heero had cleaned them both up and was lying wrapped around him.

He thought about how much his life had changed. A year ago, this had been his fondest dream. Then just a couple of months ago, this would have been a nightmare. Now it was beyond a fond dream and into more than he could have ever hoped to have from life.

Duo might have been the ultimate survivor, but, really, that’s all he’d been doing. Fighting, dodging, just trying to have a little fun before the end came. Now he felt like he was finally living.

Sure, his life wasn’t perfect. He was still a teenaged terrorist who could die at any time. Or have his lover die, though he thought that might be the same thing. But now, he actually had hope for the future. Something to look forward to besides what small amount of fun he could get up to between missions.

His instincts said they’d make it and his instincts had done all right by him so far. The war would end and they’d still be together. Things wouldn’t be perfect then, either. But they’d be near enough for him.

He smiled when Heero opened his eyes. "Hey."

A lazy grin. "Hey, back."

Duo couldn’t resist a quick kiss. "So, how do you feel?"

Heero licked his lips, considering. "Sore, but happy. How about you?"

"Just happy. Though we could work on the other, if you’re feeling up to it." A waggle of the brows.

"Duo, are you sure? You know you don’t have to offer just because I did." Heero looked so cute when he was concerned.

"Oh, I’m sure. In fact, you’ll be lucky if I ever let you out of this bed again."

"What about missions?" Ah, the soldier was making himself heard.

Duo pursed his lips. "Ok, I’ll let you out for missions."

"What about food?"

Well, Duo was likely to get hungry himself. "Fine. You can leave for food."

"We might want to use the bathroom sometime, too."

"Sure, sure. Anything else?"

Heero seemed to ponder. "Nope. That about covers my concerns."

"Well, then, I believe we were discussing something." Duo rubbed his burgeoning erection against Heero, feeling the answering hardness there.

"I think the discussion has reached a satisfactory conclusion. Where’s the lube?"

Duo laughed, handing over the missing item. Oh, yeah, things were going to work out just fine.

/story


End file.
